Bitchie me ?

I know it is wrong
I dont need anyone to try to open my eyes to see what's the future would bring about this, I can preditioning it.
But ...
Is it wrong to expecting ?
Is it bad for trying ?
Am i making an unforgivable sin just because i love him ?
If those have YES answers, why my heart hurt so bad everytime i think about leaving it ?
Why i have no more spirit of life when i feel like he gonna leave ?
If it wrong, than tell me how do i heal this pain ?
cause i Can't
I wont 
27 Sept 2014, i gave him my letter and he said that he'd willing to fight with me and i feel like i could face the world.
But tonight .... 
Ibu, i am sorry... i really sorry. I did not mean this but if being happy and alive means i have to be a bitch than i would take that blamed. He means a lot for me, I love him too much.
Push me, blame me, fucked me, abuse me... i dont care. As long as he stand for us, i'll stand for us too.

Letter for you ...

Kapan ya terakhir kali aku nulis surat ? hehehe... kayanya udah milenium yang lalu . But right now i really dont know what should i do. I cant talk , text or chat with you and "this" is bothering me a lot.
First, this is my first time i have been with somebody else's man so, forgive me kalau aku bawel atau ribet. Many limititaion that surounding me bikin aku bingung harus bagaimana. Aku coba untuk mengerti dan ngejalanin semuanya karna aku sayang banget sama kamu. Tapi kamu tau ga yang aku rasain ?
What would you feel if you know the person you are in love being with others as well? or when you want to have some times with someone you care but the time is not yours ? else, when you are holding her and she got a call from hers ? perhaps you can tell me how because you've been there before and i'm not. How do you heal your feeling when you miss her, when all you need just hearing her voice, when you feeling down and need someone you're in love with but all you could only nothing. Just stare to your phone when your heart screaming , wishing some kind of miracle happen, praying the night past by sooner so you can meet her.
It is so fun to be with you. Banyak juga ketertarikan kita akan hal yang sama, ga perlu banyak menjelaskan sesuatu karna saat sama kamu rasanya kamu bisa mengerti jalan pikiran aku. Kamu bisa bikin aku merasa nyaman dengan hal" yang simple seperti dengerin kamu main gitar, cerita atau sekedar makan nasi uduk dipinggir jalan. Seberat apapun hari yang aku jalanin , pelukan kamu bisa bikin aku refresh dan kuat lagi buat ngadepin besok. Aku suka itu semua, aku nyaman banget sama kamu ngejalanin hari" aku.
Tapi sayangnya aku manusia egois, aku ga puas dengan itu semua. Aku mau kamu jadi milik aku sepenuhnya dan untuk itu aku mau untuk bersabar menunggu. But it's too bad that you made me feel what am i waiting for. It's like waiting for nothing. Emang apa yang udah kamu lakuin ? pasti itu pertanyaan kamu khan ?
Nothing. You did nothing. That's the things, you did nothing.
Chayank, apa aku banyak minta sama kamu ? atau apa aku banyak ngatur kamu ?
Seinget aku sih engga, tapi memang ada beberapa hal yang aku harap banget kamu lakuin dan kamu ga lakuin itu.
1. Aku minta kamu ngasih kabar. Ini sudah 2 kali ya bikin kita berantem, bukan berantem sih tapi bikin aku nyaris nyerah jalan sama kamu. Tapi sampai sekarang pun itu semua masih cuma janji yang ga bisa kamu tepatin. Kamu pasti mau bilang, i've called you, i've texted you but you did not replied. I knew that, but i believe you know as well that i've read those and no matter how angry i am with you, i always try to inform you whether i want to go out, in many ways like made a status on my WA or else.
Kamu bilang " I love you so much " , apa karna saking sayangnya jadi kamu ga bisa nyari cara buat sebentar aja kirim pesan ke aku. Khan bisa ditambahin dikalimatnya ps: jangan dijawab, provost soleha is here.
you says " I miss you " , masa kalau kangen ga inget sama aku. 
Jadi aku ngerasanya, sayang dan kangennya kamu ga bikin aku ada dalam ingetan kamu jadi kamu jarang inget ngabarin aku.

2. Aku minta kamu bikin status di FB dan Profil WA kamu yang nunjukkin perasaaan kamu tentang aku. Kamu ga kasih. Yeaa... i can imagine your reasons. It's ok, remember ... i wrote that IF YOU REALLY LOVE ME, I ASK YOU TO MAKE A STATUS ON FB AND WA WHICH I WOULD KNOW THAT STATUS IS DEDICATING FOR ME. 
So, you dont really love me then. 

3. Kamu ga sepenuhnya jujur sama aku. Apa kamu pikir kalau kamu jujur aku ga akan kasih ? 

Chayank, aku bukan ibu psikoloq yang akan bikin rules dengan berbagai dasar-dasar teori. Aku mau kamu lakuin yang aku minta karna kamu merasa aku ada dan aku pantas dapat ketulusan kamu ngelakuinnya. Sesulit itukah permintaan aku sampe kamu jarang banget bisa nepatinnya. Kalau kamu beneran nganggap aku ada dihidup kamu bukannya berarti kamu inget sama aku ? inget ada orang yang pengen denger kabar kamu, sadar bahwa ada orang lain nih yang suka khawatir sama kesehatan kamu, sama perasaan kamu.  
Ga pernah ya kepikir sama kamu kalau aku juga pengen bisa tau kamu berangkat ke kantor dan bisa ngucapin hati" dijalan ya chayank..wish you a great day today. atau dikasih tau kamu otw pulang/sampe rumah so aku ga nunggu khabar kamu.
Ban kamu disobek orang, uang kamu hilang, kartu atm kamu hilang, kamu diberhentiin polisi,  sampe kamu sakit dan diare apa belum cukup buat kamu untuk bisa mentoleransi ke khawatiran aku ? 

A*gel pernah bilang, kalau kita berdua pacaran yang ada satu sama lain akan beradu banyak"an orang yang naksir. Tapi kenyataannya orang yang naksir kamu atau aku malah rajin banget kepo kedeketan aku sama kamu dengan cerita yang mendiskreditkan kamu. Bahkan istri kamu sendiri dengan santainya ngebeberin kejelekan kamu. Aku sendirian disini chayank, bertahan dengan keyakinan kamu ga begitu. Kamu bukan seperti yang mereka bilang , kamu bukan manusia goblok seperti yang mereka bilang, kamu laki-laki yang punya keberanian, kamu punya banyak kemampuan dan kamu berharga. Tapi aku sendiri, ga bisa ngejawab tegas, ga bisa nunjukiin aku tau siapa kamu, ga bisa belain kamu. Aku tau kamu akan bilang ga perlu, tapi itu semua PERLU buat aku karna kamu berharga buat aku. Sampe ada yang bilang, "hina amat lo cyls mau"nya temenan sama  bininya *c*** kaya gitu, lo mau disamain sama sampah. *c*** goblok apa kesirep ngambil bini dari tempat sampah mane, udah tampang jelek,kelakuan lebih jelek. Bagus ditempat tidur kali makanya tahan die"  That's what i've got. Tapi aku deketin perempuan yang dianggap ga pantas buat aku jadiin temen itu, aku kalahin jealous aku, aku kalahin emosi aku setiap kali ibu soleha itu ceramah betapa mulia akhlaknya dia disaat yang bersamaan dia chat sama sahabat aku ngejelekin aku. Aku cuma berharap dengan aku baikin dia, dia akan lebih baik sama kamu. supaya kamu ga berantem terus, kasian anak" kamu. Supaya kamu dilayanin dengan lebih baik karna aku juga pernah jadi seorang istri jadi aku tau , aku bisa lihat yang mana yang dia belum maksimal kasih ke kamu. Tapi apa yang aku dapat dari kamu ? Kadang kamu malah mendorong aku buat pergi dari kamu, kadang kamu malah ngeraguin diri kamu sendiri dan yang paling nyakitin seringnya you scared and run like hell to her. Ga bisa kamu genggam tangan aku dan ngasih keyakinan sama aku kalau keyakinan aku ga salah ? 
Aku bukan ibu soleha chayank, i try and i try harder to help you get through all of your things. I'll support you with anything i could tapi aku bukan dia yang akan bilang apa yang akan dan sudah aku lakuin buat kamu. I dont need publicity , aku ga butuh pengakuan diri atau orang liat eksistensi aku. Aku cuma pengen jadi perempuan yang bisa ngedampingin kamu ngelewatin semua ujian kamu. Cuma pengen jadi orang yang keberadaannya bisa nguatin kamu, bisa genggam tangan kamu dan nunjukin kalau kamu ga sendiri. Aku tau dan bisa mengerti yang kamu rasain tanpa pernah memandang kamu rendah saat kamu nunjukiin perasaan kamu yang sebenarnya. Pengen bisa ngeraawat kamu saat kamu sakit karna aku perduli, pengen bisa nemenin kamu ngadepin masalah kamu saat aku tau sebetulnya kamu down. Tapi aku ga bisa, dan kamu ga pernah mencoba mengerti perasaan aku sampe aku pengen dapet ungkapan perasaan kamu lewat status aja kamu ga mau berusaha buat aku.

Itu yang bikin aku diem beberapa hari kemarin. Aku sedih, aku merasa ga tau berjuang buat apa. Aku ga tau dimana lagi aku taro harapan aku.
Inget ga pembicaraan kita malam" waktu itu dijalan ? yang kamu bilang aku slalu ada dalam doa kamu dan kamu suruh aku berdoa. 
Iya, cuma Allah yang bisa nyatuin aku sama kamu tapi bukannya manusia wajib berusaha ? atau mungkin kamu ga pernah berdoa semoga suatu saat kita bisa sama-sama ?
Show me, give me a sign for not lose hope on you, on us.
Perasaan aku sama kamu nyata, doa dan perbuatan aku ke kamu tulus karna aku memang sayang sama kamu. 
Just tell me the truth , aku bisa koq nerimanya.
Kalau memang kamu ga punya mimpi suatu saat bisa bersama sama aku, jangan takut kamu akan nyakitin aku dengan bilang apa adanya. Aku ga butuh alasan apapun lagi, aku cuma pengen hubungan yang layak buat diperjuangkan karna aku memiliki keyakinan sama pasangan aku. bukan keraguan.
Tapi kalau kamu memang berharap suatu saat Allah nyatuin kita, tolonglah mengalah sedikit. Bertoleransi sama kebutuhan aku atas kamu. Kamu bilang aku wonder woman, mungkin iya ... tapi saat aku kerja. Bukan saat aku sama kamu. Saat sama kamu aku cuma mau jadi "perempuannya kamu".
Think about that, will you ? Aku sangat sayang sama kamu, apa adanya. I'll fight for us if you fight it too. I'll wait if i know you'll be waiting for our times too or have a same dreaming with me.I dont need others to fill my dreams but you.
Tapi kalau tidak, aku tetap bersyukur karna kamu setidaknya pernah jadi bagian dalam hidup aku.  Dan aku sangat bahagia saat sama kamu. Love you Abi 

dear Abi

Honestly...  I didn't know what abi means until you told me but I really want to have a man with that name.

In my mind abi means perfect.  Like a man with so many Capabilities,comforting .And I'm calling you by that  ,   So you should know what you Mean to me right ?

I love you, I really do.
But I've wasted 7 years with a boy and I dont want wasting my time with another .
I need a man
The one who brave to tell the truth.
A man who's willing to fight for me.
A man who is not hiding behind all reasons.
I understand you well than you know.
I can read you more than i showed.
Aku tau banyak kebohongan dalam cerita kamu. Aku coba mengerti semuanya.
Tapi kapan kamu mau coba untuk cerita apa adanya ?
Kapan kamu bisa percaya aku tetap bangga jadi pacar kamu walau kamu ga sehebat yang kamu mau aku pikir tentang kamu.
Kapan kamu mau berusaha ngeliat kalau sayang aku ke kamu bukan kamuflase aja ?
Kamu ga tau gimana rasanya jadi orang yg disembunyiin kan ?
dulu atau sekarang ternyata ga beda, aku tetap orang yg ga pernah kamu akuin.
Kamu bilang aku harus berdoa supaya kita bisa sama-sama.  Tapi aku ragu kamu juga berdoa supaya kita bisa bersama nantinya.
Rasanya aku berusaha sendirian disini sementara kamu lakukan semua untuk ibu soleha.
Kamu takut kan kalau dia marah, so ... Dont makes her mad. She hold your life, I am not.
I only ask for simple things but I havent got it yet.
Dont you know I am  remember your status on bbm you've wrote for ibu psikoloq ?
You dare for her but never for me.
I'm a fighter.  That's what life treated me.
I can't sit and wait for miracle
I fight for my own star
Yang aku butuhin kaki yang bisa nemenin aku ngelangkah saat aku takut. Tangan yang bisa aku genggam saat aku lemah. Suara yang bisa bimbing aku saat aku bingung. Harapan yang bisa ngembaliin keyakinan aku untuk terus berusaha .
Apa kamu bisa kasih semua itu buat aku atau mungkin semua yang aku rasain sama kamu cuma mimpi ?

jar of heart

It's cool, from Christina Perri - Jar of Heart

all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love
I loved the most

I learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I've learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time

... who do you think you are?

20-09-2014

I guess I am not the person who likes to complain
but it seems I am tired with the whole things
work, work and work without being able to feel happiness while doing it
all that I know that I should
if I do not work then it is not only me who collapsed
funny because not only affected my family when I was not productive but those who are around me also fell down
Sometimes I think, why they are not trying to find their own way

The relationship that I live also does not give me hope for something good
I think I started to run out my energy for living
I started to feel like i want to run
alone and away from it all
but deep inside i know, i cant
i love them too much to start think about my self
i'm drowning
why cant they see me ?
is it that hard to feel me ?
Guess i have to work harder to make this smoke clear
The rain comfort me

Done

I am sorry for not feeling sorry
Time past and my feeling last
Did you forget the words you've said about how you need her ?
Or many night i spend waiting for you to start thingking for my needs ?
Did you ever think how much it hurt when you deny me ?
I stand for you
I think what is best for you
I strive for you
I Gave
but
Where are you when i need you ?
Where are you when i bleed , when i broke, when i have nothing than my faith to keep standing.
You love me ? you want to caress my face and stroke my hair like the old time ?
Where's those hands when i cried, where are they when i need hand to reach out ?
You want to holding me ?
That is too late, i learn to hug my self and hold my own tears
It's not about this 12 years waiting
It's about what you did or you didnt for me
and now...
I lost my feeling for you
but i wont do the same like you do
i let you free
life your live like i never be part of that
when i asked you to consider me in your life, you stand by her side
now I am Done
Loves i used to love the most just a part of my mistakes so are you

Are you gonna be ....

It's start 30 April 2014
Do you remember that night Bi ? The first time you hold me on our way back.
but .... it's 16 June 2014 the first time you said you love me too.
So it's been 4 and a half for ours. But what i feel for you is so deep, which is scared me .
I really hope you feel the same way, and wish for the same star ...

Oversimplify

You are busy , i understand that
You have lack of sleep, i got that
You scared with your Ibu , i take that
But more and more i'm starting to feel that you oversimplify me
It's so weird that this feeling i got from a person who is like an angel for me

Dirty Me

I knew this is wrong. I'm hurting someone else by this, in a mean time... i make my self get kill too.
But the heart wants what the heart wants. No matter how hard i've tried to letting go this feeling of you, it is always turning back to you.
I know you wont believe this, but what i said are true.
With you i can be honest about anything
I feel like you are afraid to let your feeling get into it
I feel that too
However, was it wrong to hope of a miracle someday ?
I know, i'm bad. Very bad. For miracle i wished for there'll be anyone get hurt
I only could wish and pray that there's a way for me to be in your life for real without leaving any mess to anyone
I love you, i feel that from my heart and it's true
Schatz ... möchte ich nicht eine andere. Ich möchte, auch wenn ich weiß, es hat lange gedauert, und wird nicht einfach sein

"Everytime We Touch"

Heard this song and all i can do is day dreaming of you ...
What do you think ?

I still hear your voice, when you sleep next to me.
I still feel your touch in my dream.
Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why
Without you it's hard to survive.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss, I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.
'Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so...
I can't let you go.
Want you in my life.

Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky.
They wipe away tears that I cry.
The good and the bad times, we've been through them all.
You make me rise when I fall.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss, I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.
'Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so...
I can't let you go.
Want you in my life.

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss, I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
Need you by my side.

All i need to do when i'm feeling down by others just imagine that you are here, hold me and whispering me that no matter what, for you i'll always be your wonder woman.
How could those words comes from someone who rarely being serious ?
You such an angel for me. I love you Schatz ....

Live It Up

From the streets  to this way
From nothing become this far
Maybe i don't understand what life is
Certainly mine was not a fairy tale
But I am a Queen of my Self


I don't believe in defeat, that's why I'm back for a beat
Lil'l girl from Depok, let's rock

They push you harder, Just do the same
They wanna beat you, Go on your way
They prevent your way, Change the movement
They hit your spotlight, Give them a hardnight
They read your mind, Go change the pace
Don't need to wonder, it's just their games

Dead Feel woman is a Devil woman


Sudah banyak, bahkan mungkin terlalu banyak hal yang sudah terlewati
Kemiskinan , jalanan , penghianatan, tuntutan, I dont even recall what else
but I am still here
Tired ? of course
Never counted how many times i ask God for never wake me up when this all turn down
so hard to think, no where to look out, no hands to reach. But I'm still here

I'm losing it , i want to throw it all sometimes
leave all the things left behind
Feeling  misfits living in this world
Lost and forgotten
It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom

But It is good to have a faith by my religion that suicide is a crime
So I'm thingking
I'm thingking a lot of things
Many words of many faces
The Good and The Bad
The Caring and The Haters

This is the life that I choose, this is the life that I bleed *maybe*

Don't let them get the best of me, Not when i believe this was the best for me *at least now*
I have to make my self out ... alive

Maybe I will lose or maybe I will win ?
No ... Not anymore
No place for loser tomorrow , I have to WIN

I have to prove what i believe is THE THINGS

 Ujian hidup ?
You name it , I'm done it

How many times  they doubt me, I've past it
I have to past it once more ... *and maybe more ? *

I ain't stopping 'till I am DONE
Real Done
I should not lose faith, that's the only things i have

Counting every movement
Make my self happy
Dont pay for bad mouthing
Make a good prediction of everystep
Walk, keep walking until my feet invulnerable
Don't run, this time... don't run
Keep my breath stable
Don't rush anything
Don't lose my balance 
Put my feet in a baby step
Take it one by one 
Brave my self for every judgement, that's not gonna be good but stay still
Keep my head up for every loss i have to

Wake up lil'l girl, wake up
I know you love them but to love, means you have to live
To live means you have to breath
To keep breathing means you have to be alive
What's make you feel alive ? That's a question


It's time to wake up .... Think ... and Get Up.
Live it Up , the happiness belongs to someone who have will to reach them event in mean time they have to lose their world first.

-Cyl's-

Sick me Up

Chayaank......
kamu tau ga, denger kamu sakit aku sedih banget. Aku ga bisa berbuat apa" buat nolongin kamu. Jangankan nolongin, liat kamu aja ga bisa #tears
Konsekwensi dari hubungan seperti ini ya memang begini.  I knew it, tapi tetep aja sedih.
Temen sakit aja aku berusaha ada, eh ini orang yang aku sayang pake bangeeeeth sakit aku ga bisa apa".
Positifnya ... aku jadi banyak berdoa. Karna tangan aku ga sampe, jadi aku mohon Allah perpanjang doa aku jadi kesembuhan buat kamu dan jagoan kamu, bahkan juga untuk belahan jiwa kamu disana.
Negatifnya, aku jadi ga mood ngapa" in. Perasaan ga nyaman aja. Ngeliatin WA dan nunggu kabar dari kamu.
You really make me crazy with everything about you but this condition is sick me up.
Cepet sembuh ya chayank, i miss you soooooooooomuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch........

Agony

I Lost my balance , i let my feelings go through my brain. I let my fear of losing him dominating me.
How could i lost my self
Show me, show me a sign that I should not lose hope
Whispering me that something good waiting for me in the future
Tell me something that i could believe in
Reach my hands and hold in yours to comfort me
Walk with me and let me know that i am not alone
I am the Haughty ...
I am the Arrogant ...
I am the Superior ...
I am the Beauty ...
I am the Smartass ...
I am the Brave
I am the Bitch ...
I am the Perfection ...
But the fighter in me slowly burn out
and now .... the Agony starting taking over
Counting my time to the end of the game ... just how many games should i pass before it calls GAME OVER 

stand in the rain

I never slows down.
I don't know why but I know that when I'm all alone, feels like its all coming down
I won't turn around
The shadows are long and my fears if I cry that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand my ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
I'll stand through the pain
I won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
I'll stand in the rain

I won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with myself and the fears whispering if I stands I'll fall down
I wants to be found
The only way out is through everything I'm running from wants to give up and lie down.

Moment

My heart is like a photograph of frozen memories that will never set me free. I have no choice but to surrender myself to the forbidden ecstasy of someone i truly loved and will forever share an everlasting bond with.

I painted a perfect picture of everything I've wanted and everything I longed for. For awhile the picture came to life and all the colors were vibrant like a beautiful sunrise on a summer morning. Sadly, over time it has faded like watercolors washed away by the rain and weathered by the storm.

 The sweet words that were spoken are now spoken in a different language i  can’t understand. My  hearts are no longer fluent, embracing the dreams that have been shattered and broken.

 The years will pass and I will never let go of what I once believed in. Love is free will but sometimes there are no choices when it comes to destined heartache.

I will watch you from the my heavens and pray for you before i sleeps. The time we shared together meant so much and I'll forever grateful.

Schatz or Scratch ?

When you are in love so deep with someone, you don't know... you really don't know when to stop the pain they put inside. All you know just ... Him

Aku ingat koq awal dari semua ini, semua komitmen awal kita. Sayangnya aku masih manusia yang seiring waktu perasaannya bisa terus bertambah dan lupa siapa aku buat kamu.
Salah kalau aku berharap lebih ? salah kalau aku punya mimpi ? dan mimpi aku adalah bisa sama-sama kamu selamanya.
Malam ini aku tau, aku ga boleh. I have to stop wishing upon star
Ketakutan kamu sudah menjelaskan segalanya
Aku ga bisa berhenti sayang sama kamu, tapi mungkin aku bisa belajar untuk berhenti mengharapkan kamu.


I used to believe in love
I used to believe in Faith
I used to believe that i could find my way
I used to believe in miracle
I used to believe in God above
Now i see my faith has been betrayed

As i get closer to the truth
I Can finally see my destiny
and if I find the way to make it all seems right
You would still be gone, and i'll be here alone

I don't believe you anymore
All these tears can't wash away the pain i keep inside
I don't believe it anymore
I can pray but it wont change the way i feel right now

You're not a part of me
all I've heard can be believed
A Falling star alone against an endless night


I still love fantasy
I still want everything
The way it was when you are here

Broken Shadow

Aku, pernah jadi malaikatmu
menjaga kamu slalu
dari hari burukmu

Dulu aku lah penyelamatmu
pelindung dalam jiwamu
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Blame on me

They said i'm not a lover. I'm just a fighter
Is that true ? bukannya untuk berjuang kita butuh alasan ? dan alasan apa yang lebih besar dari cinta ? kasih sayang untuk keluarga yang membuat kita ga mau ngeluh, ga mau ngerasain capek, lapar,ngantuk, dll. Bertahan saat lingkungan berusaha menjatuhkan dan tetap berjalan walau kadang ga tau harus ngelangkah kemana.
Kalau semua itu bukan cinta, terus apa namanya ?
Bukan tidak ikhlas , hanya mohon sedikit pengertian.
I know i'm a woman. Apa karna diam lalu disangka tidak bisa menerima kodrat. Apa hanya karna tidak mau menangisi hidup lalu bisa dinilai tidak mau menjalani hidup sebagi seorang perempuan ?
Apa karna orang menilai cantik, pinter,hebat,dll lalu bisa dikatakan sombong dan menganggap ga butuh orang lain ?
Tuhan, aku tidak meminta semua yang mereka anggap hebat. Aku cuma mau menjadi seorang anak yang tahu membalas budi orang tuanya, menjadi seorang kakak yang bisa mengantarkan adiknya, membuka jalan bagi adiknya supaya adikku bisa menjadi yang terbaik bagi keluargaku. Justru karna aku merasa aku tidak mampu menjadi kebanggaan orang tuaku. Aku mencoba ikhlas, aku berusaha menerima semua ujianMu dengan keyakinan suatu saat nanti aku pantas mendapatkan hadiah dariMu.
Apakah semua ini salahku ? aku tidak memiliki pendamping hidup, aku tidak memiliki keturunan, aku tidak bisa membahagiakan orang tua ku dengan hal simple yang hampir semua perempuan bisa melakukannya, tapi aku tidak. Jika semua itu salahku, maka ampunilah aku dan berilah aku jalan untuk bisa memberikan kebahagiaan itu untuk ibuku. Jalan yang tidak terlalu sulit untuk aku jalani, jalan yang tidak menyakitkan, jalan yang penuh dengan kemudahan , ridho dan rahmatMu.
Waktu adalah milikMu maka kukembalikan semua kepadaMu. Aku akan selalu belajar untuk menerima apa yang Kau gariskan untukku. Aamiin

nothing

When all that's left just emptiness
and darkness fills the light ...

I can see but I am blind
He's not here but i can't cry
held my feelings close
the night still outside the door

Schatz

Hi Kamu ...
Iya Kamu ...
Kamu yang selalu bikin aku kesel dengan semua keraguan kamu
Kamu yang sering bikin aku cemburu dengan "kebaikan" kamu ke orang lain
Kamu yang suka salah manggil nama aku
Kamu yang bikin aku kangen tanpa bisa ngelakuin apa"
Kamu yang bisa bikin aku ketawa padahal aku lagi kesel sama kamu
Kamu yang melukin aku saat aku nangis
Kamu yang tetap bilang aku wonder woman walau saat itu aku lagi merasa jadi manusia paling ga berharga
Kamu yang ngusap air mata aku dan ninggalin kerjaan kamu
Kamu yang bikin aku cinta mati sama kamu walau aku tahu ini salah
Kamu yang selalu ragu soal perasaan aku ke kamu
Kamu yang selalu nyuruh aku buka hati dan nyari orang lain buat disayangin
Kamu yang pernah nyakitin perasaan aku, ego aku
Kamu yang bikin aku bahagia dan sedih dalam waktu yang bersamaan
Kamu yang membuat aku ngelakuin hal" yang ga pernah kepikir untuk aku lakuin sebelumnya

Hei you ... yes you, who else ?
Do you hear me when i called your name ?
Do you feel  what i'm feeling inside ?
Do you ever consider me in your life ?
Do you know, you've hurt me ?

You ask me to promise you for loving you forever but you're the one who pushing me away
You dont have to do that, if i could...i would. This relationship have no look out
But I cant
I never ask falling in love to you but i do
I never plan to make this far but it is
I never wish for more but i am
It is too late don't you think ? I gave you my heart, i risk my life already for you. I could not take it back. It settled there..on your hand

Can you a bit understand me ?
Don't say it is for my own best cause you don't know yet about that
Everytime you say that, you hurt me. I feel you don't love me, i think you don't want me
I am hopeless

Kamu tau ga ?
Saat akhirnya aku tau apa yang bisa bikin aku bahagia dan menghargai hidup. Saat aku mau berusaha untuk kebahagiaan itu. "Kebahagiaan" itu ngedorong aku untuk ngejauhin dia. It seems like you think what the best for me is for you to push me away from  heaven and put me back to hell.

What am I ?

Have you ever confused about yourself  ?
Well ... i am right now.
I never thought me as an angel but for my family, for people i love.... i would never want to be an evil. But what can i do when they words seems again me.
I am what i am , i could never change my skin like a snake. i only could do what i thought the best. If ... if when i do that would make me looks bad than let them be.
One day, i wish they would realize that i did those for their best.
These hands work almost all the times. Try and try to make something good. even when my legs shaking and tired, i will always walk to make work out.
But this heart, sometimes it stop working when what they said hurt so bad.

Hello Dear ...

I'm in Love. Really in love with this guy. But i cant show the world about what i feel about him *ngenes ga siih...hahaha* so i made this blog. At least i have something for me to do when i'm missing him *kaya sekarang ini deeeh*

Apa ya yang bikin gue suka sama dia *think... *
Senyumnya kah ? atau apanya ? Ga jelas deeeh. Tapi kan memang cinta ga selalu datang dari mata yaa *ngeles.com*
He is my first love, the first who broke my heart many years ago. So maybe that could be the point *or not*.
I know, you dont have to say that. I really realize that i made a big, very big risk by this. Not only he could break my heart again but also by the "things" he had. But what can i say , i cant resist this feeling.
When i'm with him, i can be my self. I dont have to pretend to be someone else. He can make me put all my mask behind and just telling the truth 'bout what i am, what i want, i could wear whatever i want to wear or not put any make up on *hooooow cooomeeee  ???? *
It is so comfortable when i don't have to be smart, when i don't need to think about everythings. He made a desicions on us and i like them. I used to call him Mr. Google, cause he know everything that i haven't known yet. And change to be Mr. Gooflirt cause he could never stop flirting *what should i do , he's the handsome one ...cieeeee, wkwkwkwk* but now.... i calling him ... Schatz .
Schatz mean is HARTA. O My GOD .... is he that good ? Trust me, he is .

Cerdas , Kuat, Loyal , Ga pernah ngeluh walau harinya berat banget, always put others need on top, penyayang, selalu mau belajar banyak hal baru dan terbuka atas masukan . Semua itu dalam tubuh dan wajah yang baguuuus bangeeet *yaelaaah.....namanya juga orang lagi jatuh cinta kali yeee :p *.
Tapiii sayang, seringkali dia ga merasa nyaman dirinya, dengan perasaannya yang selalu mau nyenengin orang lain. I think , he feel unsecure in many times.

Let's see what SWOT Analysis would be of him
>> Strengths :
- Smart
- Strong
- Tough
- Loving
- Logical
- Brave
- Independent
....

>> Weaknesses :
- Bad Compassion
- Naive *sometimes*
- Unsecured
- Penakut kalau soal perasaan
- Friendship oriented

>> Opportunities :
- Perfection in Career

>> Threats :
- Wants to be a good person would be his weakness i guess.


Almost perfect doesn't he ? Of course, he is mySuperman.
If God allow me, i will love him forever.